People You May Never Know on LinkedIn
I’m starting to think that LinkedIn, like my iTunes when it’s on shuffle, has a wicked sense of humor. (Re: iTunes– Feeling depressed over someone who broke your heart? Cue Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You,” followed by a string of songs indicating you will, yes, end up alone.)
Lately I’ve been really into LinkedIn because it’s fascinating in how dull it is. Like Andy Warhol once said: “I like boring things.” For a while I joked to anyone who would listen that I was going to update my LinkedIn status. Like, what would I even say? “Happy Monday everyone! What are your tricks and tips for staying alive during conference calls?” Can I use my LinkedIn status to go on diatribes about the poor quality of Keurig coffee? Is that the point of LinkedIn? Please advise.
Anyway. As far as I’m concerned, LinkedIn has one goal in mind: to make me, Miranda Dennis, feel awkward.
Every time I get online, it’s like, “Hey, Miranda?”
“Here are some people you may–”
“I don’t know them.”
“No, you know them,” LinkedIn persists, nervous because I’ve got that scowl on my face.
“Remember So-and-So? Hated you in grad school? Join their network!”
“Oh, gosh, really, I don’t think so,” I say.
“Fine. That was a reach. But what about– now bear with me on this– the Silver Fox at your old internship you have never exchanged a word with?”
“How would you even know about that?” I ask.
And LinkedIn shrugs and offers a small smile, as if to say, “I know things you can’t in your wildest dreams fathom.”
But LinkedIn is modest and says, “I have my ways.”
Finally, LinkedIn gives up and says, “What about the crush your friend has? On that guy? You two stalked him recently together. What if you took the next step and joined his network?”
And I’m like, “You must be outta your mind.”
I like to think that when I don’t add people on LinkedIn, Elliott Smith’s “Waltz #2 (XO)” crops up on somebody’s iTunes, as if called from darkness and regret and despair, etc. I’m never going to know you now, but I’m going to love you anyhow.